Why Some Children Do Crazy Things
Some parents are at their wits end. Why does their child act so crazy?
I often hear of stories of children who are bullied in school. The parents investigate the matter to find out something interesting: It was their child who started it by bullying others, or he did foolish things to draw attention to himself, which induced other children to start picking on him. They tell their child to stop acting crazy. His teachers tell him to stop acting crazy. But he can't help it; he continues to act crazy. What boggles his parents and his teachers is that he is not chas v'shalom stupid; he knows better than to bully, or do other stupid things to draw negative attention to himself. So why does he do it?
Here's why: Because of his lack of impulse control.
Some children just have a hard time controlling their impulses. They want recognition. They want to make friends. They want to be popular. They want these things so badly – but like everything in life, it takes effort and hard work to achieve these things. So they resort to letting their impulses get the better of them – and even though it leads to devastating results, they can't help it, and they continue in this dysfunctional and self-destructive mode.
So why have they developed this severe lack of impulse control?
You guessed it – it is, unfortunately, because of their parents' ineffective parenting methods....
Some parents are too strict with their children. Some are too lenient. Then you have the worst kind of all – parents who are both too strict and too lenient. They are strict about the wrong things and lenient about the wrong things.
A child develops self-control and self-discipline in two ways:
1. By receiving effective discipline from his parents.
2. By being trained to do all sorts of different things on his own.
These parents with ineffective disciplining tactics don't foster self-control and self-discipline in their children in both these ways; they spoil their children, doing things for them that children should do on their own.
For instance, children should make their own beds. They should clean their own rooms. They should be given chores to do around the house, and also outside of the house. When they're old enough, they should do their own laundry. (Yes indeed!)
A lot of parents give their children pocket money, and also give them treats from time to time, like take them out for ice cream, or trips. The truth is, these things should be dependent on how well a child does his duties. These should be rewards for doing them well.
Some parents say they want to give their children a treat, just because they love them. Okay; but once in a while. Just once in a while. Most of the time, a child should only be treated if he deserves it.
When a child does not do what he needs to do, or behaves badly, his parents need to discipline him properly. See my article, “The 10 Rules of Effective Discipline” for more detail.
But some parents just do everything for their children – and basically teach their children that it's okay to be lazy. And then, they indeed become lazy. Extremely lazy. Lazy to boot. And then, to make matters worse, the parents don't discipline their children properly, letting them get away with all sorts of bad behavior, and in the meantime they are very strict with them on the most trivial things.
For instance, some parents punish their children for making goofy jokes at the Shabbos table. Hello? It's normal for children to make goofy jokes at the Shabbos table. They're children. Besides, at least they are at the Shabbos table and not sneaking off playing until dessert! Some parents drag their children to shul and force them to sit there and daven, and punish them when they don't.
And some parents punish their children when they deserve it, but with the wrong kind of punishments., that makes their children resent them, instead of learning a lesson.
If you properly train your children to do things on their own, and give them the right kind of discipline – then your children will develop healthy self-control and self-discipline that will get them far in life, be'ezras Hashem.
I often hear of stories of children who are bullied in school. The parents investigate the matter to find out something interesting: It was their child who started it by bullying others, or he did foolish things to draw attention to himself, which induced other children to start picking on him. They tell their child to stop acting crazy. His teachers tell him to stop acting crazy. But he can't help it; he continues to act crazy. What boggles his parents and his teachers is that he is not chas v'shalom stupid; he knows better than to bully, or do other stupid things to draw negative attention to himself. So why does he do it?
Here's why: Because of his lack of impulse control.
Some children just have a hard time controlling their impulses. They want recognition. They want to make friends. They want to be popular. They want these things so badly – but like everything in life, it takes effort and hard work to achieve these things. So they resort to letting their impulses get the better of them – and even though it leads to devastating results, they can't help it, and they continue in this dysfunctional and self-destructive mode.
So why have they developed this severe lack of impulse control?
You guessed it – it is, unfortunately, because of their parents' ineffective parenting methods....
Some parents are too strict with their children. Some are too lenient. Then you have the worst kind of all – parents who are both too strict and too lenient. They are strict about the wrong things and lenient about the wrong things.
A child develops self-control and self-discipline in two ways:
1. By receiving effective discipline from his parents.
2. By being trained to do all sorts of different things on his own.
These parents with ineffective disciplining tactics don't foster self-control and self-discipline in their children in both these ways; they spoil their children, doing things for them that children should do on their own.
For instance, children should make their own beds. They should clean their own rooms. They should be given chores to do around the house, and also outside of the house. When they're old enough, they should do their own laundry. (Yes indeed!)
A lot of parents give their children pocket money, and also give them treats from time to time, like take them out for ice cream, or trips. The truth is, these things should be dependent on how well a child does his duties. These should be rewards for doing them well.
Some parents say they want to give their children a treat, just because they love them. Okay; but once in a while. Just once in a while. Most of the time, a child should only be treated if he deserves it.
When a child does not do what he needs to do, or behaves badly, his parents need to discipline him properly. See my article, “The 10 Rules of Effective Discipline” for more detail.
But some parents just do everything for their children – and basically teach their children that it's okay to be lazy. And then, they indeed become lazy. Extremely lazy. Lazy to boot. And then, to make matters worse, the parents don't discipline their children properly, letting them get away with all sorts of bad behavior, and in the meantime they are very strict with them on the most trivial things.
For instance, some parents punish their children for making goofy jokes at the Shabbos table. Hello? It's normal for children to make goofy jokes at the Shabbos table. They're children. Besides, at least they are at the Shabbos table and not sneaking off playing until dessert! Some parents drag their children to shul and force them to sit there and daven, and punish them when they don't.
And some parents punish their children when they deserve it, but with the wrong kind of punishments., that makes their children resent them, instead of learning a lesson.
If you properly train your children to do things on their own, and give them the right kind of discipline – then your children will develop healthy self-control and self-discipline that will get them far in life, be'ezras Hashem.