On the Issue of Bullying
One of the toughest issues your child may chas v'shalom face is the issue of being bullied – or bullying. But better the former than the latter. It's easier for a child to solve the issue of being bullied, than for a child to solve the issue of his bullying.
Let's start with talking about children who are bullied. Why are children bullied?
No, it is not because of low self-esteem issues. It is not because of being a misfit, and not blending in with the crowd, and being like everyone else.
There is a certain Dark Side of Human Nature – and that's what I call it. I like to abbreviate it DSHN.
Have you ever seen someone running to catch a bus, and just as he reaches it, the doors close and the bus pulls away? How did that make you feel? Unless you do not have the DSHN (which is highly improbable) or you have mastered it, you will feel a certain amusement in having seen that.
This is the Dark Side of Human Nature. The feeling of amusement at the misfortune of another. Children have it to a greater degree than adults, of course, since the main difference between children and adults is that children don't have as strong a control over their impulses as adults.
Some children bully other children because – not too mince words – they enjoy seeing them suffer.
Well, this is why it's the Dark Side of Human Nature.
So here is how any child can defend himself from being bullied: To not show that he is hurt or offended. To not show any frustration, in any way. When a child who is bullied shows that he is hurt or offended, it gives pleasure to the bully. It makes it fun for the bully to continue his bullying.
But if a child who is bullied will simply not respond to the bullying and walk away, he will be denying the bully the pleasure of his bullying. And ultimately, the bully will stop – because he is not getting the enjoyment anymore from his bullying.
Now, what if, chas v'shalom, your child is bullying other children?
First of all, he has to work on his impulse control, which he obviously does not have enough of – otherwise he would do a better job at controlling his DSHN.
So how do you foster impulse control in a child? Check out my article, “Why Some Children Do Crazy Things.”
To cure a child of bullying, is not easy, and will take some time. No child really wants to be a bully. It comes from lack of impulse control, and you will notice, regarding any child who bullies, that he has trouble also with other aspects of his life – all because of lack of impulse control. It's really as simple as that.
The DSHN needs to be controlled. It is beyond logic and reason that we have this trait. Why should it give us satisfaction to behold the misfortune of another? Why?
This is why certain aveiros bein adom l'chaveiroh – between man and his fellow – like lashon harah, and putting down another person, are very hard to overcome doing. The sad thing is that many people who cause suffering to others justify it.
But there is no way to justify causing suffering to others. It is against the entire Torah.
Grown up bullies, they started out as child bullies. And their parents never took measures to foster self-control in their children, so that they can overcome their DSHN and become decent human beings.
I think all of us adults have all suffered at the hands of adult bullies. And the bad news is – when it comes to adult bullies, ignoring them, walking away from them won't help, the way it does help with children. Because adults who cannot control their DSHN are at a stage where they have become deranged – they thrive on the misery and the suffering of others, and need to continue doing evil things to others in order to feel fulfilled and satisfied with themselves.
May these people have a refuah shleimah. And until they do, may they take off their religious garb, so as not to continue causing a huge chillul Hashem with their inhuman behavior.
Let's start with talking about children who are bullied. Why are children bullied?
No, it is not because of low self-esteem issues. It is not because of being a misfit, and not blending in with the crowd, and being like everyone else.
There is a certain Dark Side of Human Nature – and that's what I call it. I like to abbreviate it DSHN.
Have you ever seen someone running to catch a bus, and just as he reaches it, the doors close and the bus pulls away? How did that make you feel? Unless you do not have the DSHN (which is highly improbable) or you have mastered it, you will feel a certain amusement in having seen that.
This is the Dark Side of Human Nature. The feeling of amusement at the misfortune of another. Children have it to a greater degree than adults, of course, since the main difference between children and adults is that children don't have as strong a control over their impulses as adults.
Some children bully other children because – not too mince words – they enjoy seeing them suffer.
Well, this is why it's the Dark Side of Human Nature.
So here is how any child can defend himself from being bullied: To not show that he is hurt or offended. To not show any frustration, in any way. When a child who is bullied shows that he is hurt or offended, it gives pleasure to the bully. It makes it fun for the bully to continue his bullying.
But if a child who is bullied will simply not respond to the bullying and walk away, he will be denying the bully the pleasure of his bullying. And ultimately, the bully will stop – because he is not getting the enjoyment anymore from his bullying.
Now, what if, chas v'shalom, your child is bullying other children?
First of all, he has to work on his impulse control, which he obviously does not have enough of – otherwise he would do a better job at controlling his DSHN.
So how do you foster impulse control in a child? Check out my article, “Why Some Children Do Crazy Things.”
To cure a child of bullying, is not easy, and will take some time. No child really wants to be a bully. It comes from lack of impulse control, and you will notice, regarding any child who bullies, that he has trouble also with other aspects of his life – all because of lack of impulse control. It's really as simple as that.
The DSHN needs to be controlled. It is beyond logic and reason that we have this trait. Why should it give us satisfaction to behold the misfortune of another? Why?
This is why certain aveiros bein adom l'chaveiroh – between man and his fellow – like lashon harah, and putting down another person, are very hard to overcome doing. The sad thing is that many people who cause suffering to others justify it.
But there is no way to justify causing suffering to others. It is against the entire Torah.
Grown up bullies, they started out as child bullies. And their parents never took measures to foster self-control in their children, so that they can overcome their DSHN and become decent human beings.
I think all of us adults have all suffered at the hands of adult bullies. And the bad news is – when it comes to adult bullies, ignoring them, walking away from them won't help, the way it does help with children. Because adults who cannot control their DSHN are at a stage where they have become deranged – they thrive on the misery and the suffering of others, and need to continue doing evil things to others in order to feel fulfilled and satisfied with themselves.
May these people have a refuah shleimah. And until they do, may they take off their religious garb, so as not to continue causing a huge chillul Hashem with their inhuman behavior.