Go-Getters vs. Non-Go-Getters
I want to tell you about three different children, Reuven, Shimon and Levi, and how they grew up:
Reuven: Reuven was a big trouble maker throughout his childhood. He always had "ants in his pants," and never learned properly. His teachers despaired of being able to teach him. His parents did not know what to do with him; no matter how much they chastised him and punished him for his misbehaviors, it never seemed to have an effect on him.
It continued this way for him throughout school, and into yeshivah. Eventually, he dropped out. When he was eighteen, he got a job, saved up money, and started investing in buying and selling merchandise online. Eventually, he was making a lot of money. Having an interest in electrical equipment, he went on to opening his own electrical store, and was very successful. Shadchans came to his parents offering him shidduch suggestions. Reuven went out on a few dates, until he found his beshert and they got married, and had children.
Shimon: When Shimon was little, he had problems paying attention in class. His parents were not pleased, and rebuked him severely when he got bad grades, which he usually did. His father came up with an idea to send him to a tutor in the afternoon. But, just like Shimon didn't pay attention in class, only pretending to, he also didn't pay attention to his tutor, and just pretended to.
Shimon didn't have a lot of friends. He was quiet, and kept to himself. He was quiet because he was afraid that he would be teased if he was loud, and for good reason; whenever he tried to enter the in-crowd, he was always mocked, and called a nerd or a dork.
Shimon liked to draw and paint, but his parents discouraged this; they told him that he must focus on his studies, and not be lazy. So Shimon tried hard, but he just could never succeed at his studies. He felt awful.
Shimon spent six years in yeshivah doing absolutely nothing. After yeshivah, he lived at his parents' house. They were not pleased about this set-up. Shimon went out and got some odd jobs, not making much money – and whatever money he made, he spent. He went to college to work his way towards a degree in liberal arts, though he wasn't sure exactly what he would want to do with it once he got it.
In the meantime, he went out with girls. But girls found him to be overly quiet, neurotic, and lacking in self-confidence. Then there was the fact that he didn't make much money. And so it was that years went by, and one day Shimon found himself twenty-five, still not married, and still not with a good job.
Levi: Like Shimon, Levi had problems paying attention in class, and also didn't make friends easily. His parents brought him to a therapist to have him tested to see what was making it so hard for him to pay attention in class. Turned out he had ADHD, which affected his learning, and possibly also Aspbergers Syndrome, which affected his relationships with other children. Further testing revealed that he indeed had the latter as well. Levi's parents found out about some good therapists to send him to. Levi went to therapy for several years, and improved very well, both in his learning and in his social interactions with other children. His parents encouraged him to invite boys in his class to his house, and to get involved in different social after-school activities, such as the afternoon baseball league, and various chessed volunteering programs. These helped Levi build his self-confidence and also helped bolster his social skills, working together with the other boys.
Levi was always very good at assembling and putting things together, and working computers. His parents encouraged him to get good at these things.
By the time Levi reached yeshivah, he was like all the other boys his age, and adjusted well in yeshivah and excelled in his learning. When he finished yeshivah, he decided that he wanted to go to college to be an engineer. Meanwhile he worked as a handyman, making a decent living. He went out with several girls, eventually finding his beshert, and they got married, and had children.
Reuven, Shimon and Levi all started out similar: Different from other children. Reuven and Levi succeeded in life – but Shimon did not.
Both the parents of Reuven and Shimon did not do a very good job parenting. They had a vision in mind of what they wanted their child to be – but he wasn't that. And they couldn't accept it, and therefore, were unable to deal with their child.
Levi's parents, in contrast, accepted him for what he was – and therefore, were able to deal with him, helping him to be all he could be, nurturing him and guiding him through his childhood so that by the time he reached adulthood, he was able to succeed on his own.
The difference between Reuven and Shimon is that Reuven had a go-getter personality, and Shimon did not.
Not everybody is a go-getter. Some are, and some aren't. But it's hard to tell if a child is going to grow up to be a go-getter or not. That' s why, parents can't afford to be on auto-pilot... even if they wish they had an autopilot child, who just succeeds at everything, automatically. Not every child can be like that.
Only if parents accept their children for who they are, can they be effective parents.
Maybe your child will be a Reuven. And maybe not. In case not, you want your child to turn out like Levi – and the only way your child will turn out like Levi is if you make that happen, by being there for your child, and nurturing him and guiding him.
Reuven: Reuven was a big trouble maker throughout his childhood. He always had "ants in his pants," and never learned properly. His teachers despaired of being able to teach him. His parents did not know what to do with him; no matter how much they chastised him and punished him for his misbehaviors, it never seemed to have an effect on him.
It continued this way for him throughout school, and into yeshivah. Eventually, he dropped out. When he was eighteen, he got a job, saved up money, and started investing in buying and selling merchandise online. Eventually, he was making a lot of money. Having an interest in electrical equipment, he went on to opening his own electrical store, and was very successful. Shadchans came to his parents offering him shidduch suggestions. Reuven went out on a few dates, until he found his beshert and they got married, and had children.
Shimon: When Shimon was little, he had problems paying attention in class. His parents were not pleased, and rebuked him severely when he got bad grades, which he usually did. His father came up with an idea to send him to a tutor in the afternoon. But, just like Shimon didn't pay attention in class, only pretending to, he also didn't pay attention to his tutor, and just pretended to.
Shimon didn't have a lot of friends. He was quiet, and kept to himself. He was quiet because he was afraid that he would be teased if he was loud, and for good reason; whenever he tried to enter the in-crowd, he was always mocked, and called a nerd or a dork.
Shimon liked to draw and paint, but his parents discouraged this; they told him that he must focus on his studies, and not be lazy. So Shimon tried hard, but he just could never succeed at his studies. He felt awful.
Shimon spent six years in yeshivah doing absolutely nothing. After yeshivah, he lived at his parents' house. They were not pleased about this set-up. Shimon went out and got some odd jobs, not making much money – and whatever money he made, he spent. He went to college to work his way towards a degree in liberal arts, though he wasn't sure exactly what he would want to do with it once he got it.
In the meantime, he went out with girls. But girls found him to be overly quiet, neurotic, and lacking in self-confidence. Then there was the fact that he didn't make much money. And so it was that years went by, and one day Shimon found himself twenty-five, still not married, and still not with a good job.
Levi: Like Shimon, Levi had problems paying attention in class, and also didn't make friends easily. His parents brought him to a therapist to have him tested to see what was making it so hard for him to pay attention in class. Turned out he had ADHD, which affected his learning, and possibly also Aspbergers Syndrome, which affected his relationships with other children. Further testing revealed that he indeed had the latter as well. Levi's parents found out about some good therapists to send him to. Levi went to therapy for several years, and improved very well, both in his learning and in his social interactions with other children. His parents encouraged him to invite boys in his class to his house, and to get involved in different social after-school activities, such as the afternoon baseball league, and various chessed volunteering programs. These helped Levi build his self-confidence and also helped bolster his social skills, working together with the other boys.
Levi was always very good at assembling and putting things together, and working computers. His parents encouraged him to get good at these things.
By the time Levi reached yeshivah, he was like all the other boys his age, and adjusted well in yeshivah and excelled in his learning. When he finished yeshivah, he decided that he wanted to go to college to be an engineer. Meanwhile he worked as a handyman, making a decent living. He went out with several girls, eventually finding his beshert, and they got married, and had children.
Reuven, Shimon and Levi all started out similar: Different from other children. Reuven and Levi succeeded in life – but Shimon did not.
Both the parents of Reuven and Shimon did not do a very good job parenting. They had a vision in mind of what they wanted their child to be – but he wasn't that. And they couldn't accept it, and therefore, were unable to deal with their child.
Levi's parents, in contrast, accepted him for what he was – and therefore, were able to deal with him, helping him to be all he could be, nurturing him and guiding him through his childhood so that by the time he reached adulthood, he was able to succeed on his own.
The difference between Reuven and Shimon is that Reuven had a go-getter personality, and Shimon did not.
Not everybody is a go-getter. Some are, and some aren't. But it's hard to tell if a child is going to grow up to be a go-getter or not. That' s why, parents can't afford to be on auto-pilot... even if they wish they had an autopilot child, who just succeeds at everything, automatically. Not every child can be like that.
Only if parents accept their children for who they are, can they be effective parents.
Maybe your child will be a Reuven. And maybe not. In case not, you want your child to turn out like Levi – and the only way your child will turn out like Levi is if you make that happen, by being there for your child, and nurturing him and guiding him.