Agreeing to Disagree
Many times I meet a married couple to discover that they disagree about a lot of things. Yet, at the same time, they have shalom bayis.
Ah, I know what you're thinking – they're putting on a show.
But, no; there are married couples I actually know very well, there are families that I'm close with – families that I know for a good long time. It is true that in no family is there "perfect" shalom bayis; just like no individual is perfect. Everyone has flaws. Everyone has things that they need to work on. This is an obvious thing.
But then you have marriages that are totally unstable – marriages on the brink of divorce. And then, the couple really does get divorced.
As much as we would like not to think about it, although the divorce rate in the frum world still is very much lower than in the non-frum world – still, in the last decade or so we have seen an alarming rise in divorces, in the frum community.
We have also seen a rising challenge in shudduchim; it once was not common, in the frum world, for a girl or bochur to be in the late twenties or early thirties and still have not found their beshert; but today, unfortunately, it is common.
Now, of course there are many factors involved in this; and there are many issues at hand that can be pointed out and discussed regarding the many contemporary problems of shidduchim and marriage.
But what I'd like to focus on here, is the issue of having differences – and yet getting along.
Like I say, I am always really impressed when I see this – couples who have their differences, some who have very big differences – whether they be differences in minhaggim, or hashkafah, or other important things. In many cases I see those who even disapprove of what their spouse does or holds by – but hey, that's that; we all have our differences.
Is this not the ideal attitude in any relationship? I think we would all agree, it certainly is. It is, in fact, impossible that two marriage partners will hold exactly alike on every issue, agreeing with absolutely everything.
This important aspect of having differences yet getting along, certainly reflects the basic teachings of Chassidus: As Chassidus explains, this is what our avodah in the world is all about – we are placed here in the gashmiyus world by Hashem to perform Torah and mitzvos – most mitzvos involving gashmiyus. Yet, our avodah is to refine and elevate the gashmiyus, through performing the mitzvos, thus transforming the gashmiyus to holiness.
As we know, before Matan Torah, there was a big separation between the upper worlds and the lower worlds – and with the giving of the Torah, Hashem revealed His infinite light that is above limitation, into the world, the world of finiteness and limitation. Also, before Matan Torah, there was a separation between the neshamah as clothed within the body – and the etzem haneshamah, the essence of the neshamah, which is one with Hashem Himself. With the giving of the Torah at Har Sinai, Hashem broke that barrier between the etzem haneshamah and the neshamah as clothed within the body – and now it became possible to do the ultimate avodah: As neshomos in physical bodies we keep Torah and mitzvos down here in the gashmiyus world, thus elevating the gashmiyus to holiness, and making for Hashem a dwelling place down below.
Now, when a chosson and kallah get married, we wish them that their marriage should be a "binyan adei ad" – a lasting edifice; we are alluding here to the building of the Third Beis Hamikdash, which will be an everlasting edifice. And why do we compare a marriage with the building of the Third Beis Hamikdash?
"And you shall make for me a Mikdash and I shall dwell within you." The Rebbe Rayatz explains in his ma'amer Basi Legani on this pasuk, that Hashem does not only mean that we should build the Mikdash – but that we should make ourselves into a Mikdash – so that the Shechinah should dwell in each and every one of us.
An individual alone is not complete as one person – but a married couple is truly complete. This is why we wish upon a newly married couple that their marriage should be a "binyan adei ad" – the avodah of a married couple is b'shleimus, building a bayis ne'eman b'Yisroel.
Now, the ruchinyus and the gashmiyus are truly opposites – and yet the whole point of our avodah, is combining the two. And it's not that ruchinyus is supposed to truly dominate, canceling out the gashmiyus – in a way of sh'viras hakeilim – for in a way, the gashmiyus is on an even higher level – for it is for the sake of the lower worlds, for the gashmiyus, that Hashem created the ruchniyus of the upper worlds.
What we need to accomplish, is oros d'tohu b'keilim d'tikkun – lights of chaos in vessels of completion.
Now, getting back to the matter of shalom bayis, even while having differences – of course we all have differences, for that is the way we were created, to be different. It may very well seem to an individual, that he or she is correct – he or she truly sees the light – and the other one is wrong.
Does that mean we need to "shatter" the other party? Say it's either my way or the highway – "I can't tolerate you; I can't live with you when you hold this way! You need to change, or we need to part ways!"
This is truly the attitude that leads to divorce. And it is the attitude among many young individuals who go out on shidduchim. But they want to find a partner who will agree with them on every issue – and if not, then to concede on every issue.
But this is not the way it was created by Hashem to be!
To get married, to establish a binyan adei ad and a bayis ne'eman b'Yisroel – thus fulfilling our avodah in the world in a way of shleimus – requires that we have our differences, and yet, we can get along all the same.
It is true that there are issues that ultimately need to be agreed upon – such as how to raise children – but it is obvious that at the outset there will be differences of opinion. And, as every happily married couple will tell you, the way to resolve these differences is to be at peace with each other's differences, calmly talk things through, arriving at a successful compromise and conclusion.
Ah, I know what you're thinking – they're putting on a show.
But, no; there are married couples I actually know very well, there are families that I'm close with – families that I know for a good long time. It is true that in no family is there "perfect" shalom bayis; just like no individual is perfect. Everyone has flaws. Everyone has things that they need to work on. This is an obvious thing.
But then you have marriages that are totally unstable – marriages on the brink of divorce. And then, the couple really does get divorced.
As much as we would like not to think about it, although the divorce rate in the frum world still is very much lower than in the non-frum world – still, in the last decade or so we have seen an alarming rise in divorces, in the frum community.
We have also seen a rising challenge in shudduchim; it once was not common, in the frum world, for a girl or bochur to be in the late twenties or early thirties and still have not found their beshert; but today, unfortunately, it is common.
Now, of course there are many factors involved in this; and there are many issues at hand that can be pointed out and discussed regarding the many contemporary problems of shidduchim and marriage.
But what I'd like to focus on here, is the issue of having differences – and yet getting along.
Like I say, I am always really impressed when I see this – couples who have their differences, some who have very big differences – whether they be differences in minhaggim, or hashkafah, or other important things. In many cases I see those who even disapprove of what their spouse does or holds by – but hey, that's that; we all have our differences.
Is this not the ideal attitude in any relationship? I think we would all agree, it certainly is. It is, in fact, impossible that two marriage partners will hold exactly alike on every issue, agreeing with absolutely everything.
This important aspect of having differences yet getting along, certainly reflects the basic teachings of Chassidus: As Chassidus explains, this is what our avodah in the world is all about – we are placed here in the gashmiyus world by Hashem to perform Torah and mitzvos – most mitzvos involving gashmiyus. Yet, our avodah is to refine and elevate the gashmiyus, through performing the mitzvos, thus transforming the gashmiyus to holiness.
As we know, before Matan Torah, there was a big separation between the upper worlds and the lower worlds – and with the giving of the Torah, Hashem revealed His infinite light that is above limitation, into the world, the world of finiteness and limitation. Also, before Matan Torah, there was a separation between the neshamah as clothed within the body – and the etzem haneshamah, the essence of the neshamah, which is one with Hashem Himself. With the giving of the Torah at Har Sinai, Hashem broke that barrier between the etzem haneshamah and the neshamah as clothed within the body – and now it became possible to do the ultimate avodah: As neshomos in physical bodies we keep Torah and mitzvos down here in the gashmiyus world, thus elevating the gashmiyus to holiness, and making for Hashem a dwelling place down below.
Now, when a chosson and kallah get married, we wish them that their marriage should be a "binyan adei ad" – a lasting edifice; we are alluding here to the building of the Third Beis Hamikdash, which will be an everlasting edifice. And why do we compare a marriage with the building of the Third Beis Hamikdash?
"And you shall make for me a Mikdash and I shall dwell within you." The Rebbe Rayatz explains in his ma'amer Basi Legani on this pasuk, that Hashem does not only mean that we should build the Mikdash – but that we should make ourselves into a Mikdash – so that the Shechinah should dwell in each and every one of us.
An individual alone is not complete as one person – but a married couple is truly complete. This is why we wish upon a newly married couple that their marriage should be a "binyan adei ad" – the avodah of a married couple is b'shleimus, building a bayis ne'eman b'Yisroel.
Now, the ruchinyus and the gashmiyus are truly opposites – and yet the whole point of our avodah, is combining the two. And it's not that ruchinyus is supposed to truly dominate, canceling out the gashmiyus – in a way of sh'viras hakeilim – for in a way, the gashmiyus is on an even higher level – for it is for the sake of the lower worlds, for the gashmiyus, that Hashem created the ruchniyus of the upper worlds.
What we need to accomplish, is oros d'tohu b'keilim d'tikkun – lights of chaos in vessels of completion.
Now, getting back to the matter of shalom bayis, even while having differences – of course we all have differences, for that is the way we were created, to be different. It may very well seem to an individual, that he or she is correct – he or she truly sees the light – and the other one is wrong.
Does that mean we need to "shatter" the other party? Say it's either my way or the highway – "I can't tolerate you; I can't live with you when you hold this way! You need to change, or we need to part ways!"
This is truly the attitude that leads to divorce. And it is the attitude among many young individuals who go out on shidduchim. But they want to find a partner who will agree with them on every issue – and if not, then to concede on every issue.
But this is not the way it was created by Hashem to be!
To get married, to establish a binyan adei ad and a bayis ne'eman b'Yisroel – thus fulfilling our avodah in the world in a way of shleimus – requires that we have our differences, and yet, we can get along all the same.
It is true that there are issues that ultimately need to be agreed upon – such as how to raise children – but it is obvious that at the outset there will be differences of opinion. And, as every happily married couple will tell you, the way to resolve these differences is to be at peace with each other's differences, calmly talk things through, arriving at a successful compromise and conclusion.