Denial: Not Just a River in Africa!
Shirah was 5'4" and weighed 320 pounds.
Not surprisingly, she had trouble getting a shidduch. Shadchans would usually ignore her parents' phone calls. On those rare occasions when she was able to go out with someone, it was usually only one date, and the bochur would say he didn't want to continue.
One day she met with a shadchan who was frank with her. "Shirah," she told her, looking her in the eye, "the reason you are having problems with shidduchim is because you're overweight; have you considered going on a diet?" Shirah was hurt, and started to shed tears. "You're wrong!" she sniffled, getting up to leave. "It's because we live in a world where everybody is so judgmental, and everybody is superficial! Including you! That's why I'm having such a hard time with shidduchs!"
Gabi was a middle-aged man who suffered from a mild chronic illness. He had to walk with a walker. He received social security from the government, as well as free health care and food stamps. He lived in an SSI apartment. A chessed organization would bring him hot prepared food for Shabbos and Yomtov.
But Gabi still felt that he didn't have enough money. After all, the cost of cigarettes was always going up. And the cost of schnapps as well. Also, Gabi enjoyed eating out in fancy restaurants. This usually cost him an arm and a leg. Plus, he very much enjoyed gambling. As such, he had racked up quite some debt.
"Tzeddakah, tzeddakah!" chanted Gabi, standing on Kingston Avenue, waving out his collecting tin. As usual, most passerby chose to ignore him, and just walked past him as if he were invisible. Gabi felt absolutely embarrassed, absolutely humiliated.
Today in particular he was being given very little indeed. Finally, he couldn't stand it anymore, and he started shouting to everyone around him, "What's wrong with you frum Jews? Don't you believe in tzeddakah? You see a poor disabled man like me collecting tzeddakah, and you don't give me anything! You're all hypocrites! Shame on you!"
Dovi was driving his wife, Rinah, nuts. He was very impulsive when it came to money. When he would pass by a store and see something in the window he liked, he would go in and buy it.
Dovi liked to think himself the successful occasional businessman, and would invest money in extremely dubious business ventures, which typically – if not always – turned out to be total failures.
Not surprisingly, Dovi's impulsiveness when it came to money left him and Rinah quite broke, most of the time, to the extent that they often had to borrow money to pay rent.
"You have to stop it, Dovi!" Rinah said to him exasperatedly one day. "We're gonna be in huge financial trouble, if you continue throwing money away all the time!"
"Excuse me!" said Dovi indignantly. "Who's the one with the job here? I think it's very ungrateful of you to attack me like this, Rinah, when I'm the one who brings home the money!"
* * *
When we are faced with a problem, we have two options: We can take steps to fix the problem or... we can be in denial of the problem. Then, when someone takes us to task for the problem, we can lash out at the individual. "There's nothing wrong with me! He/she is the bad guy!"
Everybody has problems. And there is no such thing as a problem that can't be solved! And it's always possible to fix whatever we've done wrong.
Being in denial simply does not pay. It doesn't solve any problem. It just creates a heapload of insult and anger and disgust with the world. The world could be a more pleasant and beautiful place, without denial!
Not surprisingly, she had trouble getting a shidduch. Shadchans would usually ignore her parents' phone calls. On those rare occasions when she was able to go out with someone, it was usually only one date, and the bochur would say he didn't want to continue.
One day she met with a shadchan who was frank with her. "Shirah," she told her, looking her in the eye, "the reason you are having problems with shidduchim is because you're overweight; have you considered going on a diet?" Shirah was hurt, and started to shed tears. "You're wrong!" she sniffled, getting up to leave. "It's because we live in a world where everybody is so judgmental, and everybody is superficial! Including you! That's why I'm having such a hard time with shidduchs!"
Gabi was a middle-aged man who suffered from a mild chronic illness. He had to walk with a walker. He received social security from the government, as well as free health care and food stamps. He lived in an SSI apartment. A chessed organization would bring him hot prepared food for Shabbos and Yomtov.
But Gabi still felt that he didn't have enough money. After all, the cost of cigarettes was always going up. And the cost of schnapps as well. Also, Gabi enjoyed eating out in fancy restaurants. This usually cost him an arm and a leg. Plus, he very much enjoyed gambling. As such, he had racked up quite some debt.
"Tzeddakah, tzeddakah!" chanted Gabi, standing on Kingston Avenue, waving out his collecting tin. As usual, most passerby chose to ignore him, and just walked past him as if he were invisible. Gabi felt absolutely embarrassed, absolutely humiliated.
Today in particular he was being given very little indeed. Finally, he couldn't stand it anymore, and he started shouting to everyone around him, "What's wrong with you frum Jews? Don't you believe in tzeddakah? You see a poor disabled man like me collecting tzeddakah, and you don't give me anything! You're all hypocrites! Shame on you!"
Dovi was driving his wife, Rinah, nuts. He was very impulsive when it came to money. When he would pass by a store and see something in the window he liked, he would go in and buy it.
Dovi liked to think himself the successful occasional businessman, and would invest money in extremely dubious business ventures, which typically – if not always – turned out to be total failures.
Not surprisingly, Dovi's impulsiveness when it came to money left him and Rinah quite broke, most of the time, to the extent that they often had to borrow money to pay rent.
"You have to stop it, Dovi!" Rinah said to him exasperatedly one day. "We're gonna be in huge financial trouble, if you continue throwing money away all the time!"
"Excuse me!" said Dovi indignantly. "Who's the one with the job here? I think it's very ungrateful of you to attack me like this, Rinah, when I'm the one who brings home the money!"
* * *
When we are faced with a problem, we have two options: We can take steps to fix the problem or... we can be in denial of the problem. Then, when someone takes us to task for the problem, we can lash out at the individual. "There's nothing wrong with me! He/she is the bad guy!"
Everybody has problems. And there is no such thing as a problem that can't be solved! And it's always possible to fix whatever we've done wrong.
Being in denial simply does not pay. It doesn't solve any problem. It just creates a heapload of insult and anger and disgust with the world. The world could be a more pleasant and beautiful place, without denial!