Finding Your Beshert: Why is it Such a To-Do?
You reach the age of shidduchim. And right away, you realize – it ain't that easy.
The concept of the "shidduch crises" is a rather debatable one. Is there, in fact, a "shidduch crises?" Or is there not? Or perhaps it has always been this way – difficult to find your beshert.
But actually, it has not always been this way.
Back in the day, you grew up in the shtetle. Guess what? So did your beshert! You both shared the exact same kind of upbringing, the exact same kind of chinuch. You were very fitting for one another.
Yes indeed, that was back in the day.
But today is not "the day."
Today we're all different. We have different upbringings, different hashkafahs, and so on, and so forth.
So today, indeed, it is much more of a to-do to find your beshert than in days of yore.
Especially with these shadchanim. Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em! It seems to take forever to get a shadchan on the phone, doesn't it? But never mind; shadchans, of course, do not like talking on the phone. So, you send them your profile. Or the parents send a profile for their kid that they wrote themselves, and it's sure to be quite accurate indeed (ho, ho, ho!). And then, the shadchan takes forever to get back to you.
What in the world is it with these shadchanim? we all wonder. Aren't they supposed to be doing what they do best?
But of course we know, being a shadchan, it's not exactly a job. The shadchanim out there, they're balabasim and balabustahs, who make shidduchim as their hobby, and also so that they can make some extra cash on the side, if and when they make a shidduch.
Another thing that makes it tricky to get a shidduch these days is the "yichus" issue.
Of course, every Yid has terrific "yichus." We're all descendants of Avraham, Yitzchak and Yaakov!
Ah, but no – to look at it from that perspective would mean to sap all the fun out of the concept... wouldn't it?
Tsk, tsk.
Anyhow, to get a shidduch, you have to bother shadchanim, drive them crazy a little, until they get back to you and suggest a shidduch. And if you happen to have "yichus," then you've got a real problem going, since it's almost impossible to find someone else with "enough yichus." Fortunately, most of us don't have it; this is at least one less problem.
But here are five issues, regarding shidduchim, that are quite prevalent these days... for everyone. These are often considered as taboo:
* The Parnassah Paradox: We face an interesting phenomenon in our modern Lubavitch society. On the one hand, yeshivahs are not big on secular subjects; and let's face it, you need secular subjects for many forms of parnassah.
The thing is this: The aim of a school like Ohalei Torah, for instance, is that every student will grow up to become a rabbi and shliach, and open or work for a Chabad House. The fact is, not every bochur does this upon finishing yeshivah.
A lot of girls write on their shidduch profiles, "Looking for someone who can provide financial security."
Well, actually, it is Hashem who provides parnassah, or have we forgotten? Too much galus mentality!
If you don't believe it, ask yourself: Have you ever seen a couple without a home, living on the street? You haven't!
So! Let's loosen up on the parnassah issues, shall we? Hashem provides parnassah!
Ah, but wait: Some might challenge this notion, saying, "But no! We have to make a keli – vessel, don't we! If we want Hashem's brachah for parnassah, we must make a keli!
Well then.... How about working on emunah? Having proper emunah, that's a very important keli for parnassah, as Chassidus explains at length.
* "Modernkeit" Mayhem: Ah, yes; there's the whole "modernkeit" concept.... As mentioned above, we're living in a different world than we used to. Different young people have different hashkafahs, and different levels of Chassidishkeit and all.
Let's face it – it is very difficult to find a bochur and a girl who are compatible on every such issue – even within the Lubavitch world itself.
The setback here is that everybody has these lists: A girl is looking for a bochur who specifically keeps to this minhag and not to that minhag... a bochur is looking for a girl who specifically has this approach to Chassidishkeit or that approach....
It's amazing how in detail things can get here.
"Well, I don't mind a bochur who wears jeans, as long as he wears a hat and jacket."
"Well, I don't mind a girl who wears a shorter-than-usual skirt, as long as she'd wear a sheitel."
"I watch movies and sports at home, but I don't go out to see them, so I want someone who's also like that."
Or, there's the anti-"modernkeit!"
"I'm a meshichist, and I don't go to the Ohel, so I need someone who is also a meshichist, and doesn't go to the Ohel."
"(S)he has to dress strictly like a chassid, no secular anything, etc."
"(S)he has to go to classes – otherwise it's no good...."
Then, whether one is pro or anti-"modernkeit" – there are always a whole lot of other detailed demands on the side.
"I want someone who likes nature... who likes to eat... who likes to shmooze... who is loud... who is quiet....” Etc., etc.
* The "Perception" Factor: It's a harsh world. Imagine if you open a store, but no one comes to buy from you. Are you going to go outside and yell at passerby, why are they not coming into your store?
If no one is buying from you, it goes to show that you need to spruce up your store. Perhaps customers don't have an interest in your produce. Maybe your produce is in demand – but the whole issue is that it's not displayed well.
You go on a shidduch, but your shirt is wrinkled, your skirt is rumbled, your shoes are old (GASP!) Etc., etc.
Whether we agree that this is how it ought to be or not, proper presentation plays a fundamentally significant role when it comes to shidduchim.
* The Heavy Factor: Let's face the fact; it's quite difficult, both for girls and bochurim who are overweight, to get a shidduch these days. But it's not just the skinny/average-weight girls and bochurim who have a problem; it's the parents too.
You see, excess weight leads to health problems. Ask any doctor. And parents don't want this for their kids, to be married to one who's going to have health problems upon reaching middle age – or even beforehand, chas v'shalom.
* Introspection of Imperfection: No one is perfect. And furthermore – if we examine the truth of the matter, we see that everybody has some kind of "baggage." We are living in galus, unfortunately. As such, everybody has gone through problems in life. Problems are a part of life, in the galus.
Okay – you may have the "mainstream" bochur and the "mainstream" girl. It works something like this: The "mainstream" bochur starts out as a diligent cheider yingaleh who gets perfect grades throughout cheider, goes to a good yeshivah, continues to learn diligently, and becomes a talmud chochom. In the summers he works as a camp counselor (needless to say, every "mainstream" bochur is a camp counselor). Then, after yeshivah, he goes on shlichus, then settles down into a prominent machon smichah, and now has it.
Then we have the "mainstream" girl. She goes to Beis Rivkah, gets good grades, and is a "class queen." After finishing high school, she goes to seminary in Israel (every "mainstream" girl goes to seminary in Israel, of course). And then she becomes the dorm counselor. (Becoming the dorm counselor is an absolute chiyuv for a "mainstream" girl.)
So far so good – until the shidduch "process" begins. Turns out:
a) parent was divorced
b) childhood illness
c) imperfect sibling/gene pool
d) had legal system trouble
e) takes medication of some sort
And so on, and so forth.
Bottom line is, no one's "perfect" – and no one's from a "perfect" family....
So we see, with these issues, it can really, indeed be quite a to-do, finding your beshert.
If we think deeply we see that there are two things which can be done about this:
* Make some self-improvements. It never hurts. It always helps!
* Loosen up a little, be more open-minded about going out (or if you're a parent, sending your kid out) with the type who isn't on your "list." Better yet, dispose of that "list." You're most likely better off without it!
The main thing is to always remember: Everybody has someone out there, a soul mate – who's also looking.
So never be discouraged, and keep at it! Bear in mind – not doing anything will most likely not get you anywhere.
Finding your beshert... it's the biggest step in life. The ultimate one. For no one is complete without their beshert.
The concept of the "shidduch crises" is a rather debatable one. Is there, in fact, a "shidduch crises?" Or is there not? Or perhaps it has always been this way – difficult to find your beshert.
But actually, it has not always been this way.
Back in the day, you grew up in the shtetle. Guess what? So did your beshert! You both shared the exact same kind of upbringing, the exact same kind of chinuch. You were very fitting for one another.
Yes indeed, that was back in the day.
But today is not "the day."
Today we're all different. We have different upbringings, different hashkafahs, and so on, and so forth.
So today, indeed, it is much more of a to-do to find your beshert than in days of yore.
Especially with these shadchanim. Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em! It seems to take forever to get a shadchan on the phone, doesn't it? But never mind; shadchans, of course, do not like talking on the phone. So, you send them your profile. Or the parents send a profile for their kid that they wrote themselves, and it's sure to be quite accurate indeed (ho, ho, ho!). And then, the shadchan takes forever to get back to you.
What in the world is it with these shadchanim? we all wonder. Aren't they supposed to be doing what they do best?
But of course we know, being a shadchan, it's not exactly a job. The shadchanim out there, they're balabasim and balabustahs, who make shidduchim as their hobby, and also so that they can make some extra cash on the side, if and when they make a shidduch.
Another thing that makes it tricky to get a shidduch these days is the "yichus" issue.
Of course, every Yid has terrific "yichus." We're all descendants of Avraham, Yitzchak and Yaakov!
Ah, but no – to look at it from that perspective would mean to sap all the fun out of the concept... wouldn't it?
Tsk, tsk.
Anyhow, to get a shidduch, you have to bother shadchanim, drive them crazy a little, until they get back to you and suggest a shidduch. And if you happen to have "yichus," then you've got a real problem going, since it's almost impossible to find someone else with "enough yichus." Fortunately, most of us don't have it; this is at least one less problem.
But here are five issues, regarding shidduchim, that are quite prevalent these days... for everyone. These are often considered as taboo:
* The Parnassah Paradox: We face an interesting phenomenon in our modern Lubavitch society. On the one hand, yeshivahs are not big on secular subjects; and let's face it, you need secular subjects for many forms of parnassah.
The thing is this: The aim of a school like Ohalei Torah, for instance, is that every student will grow up to become a rabbi and shliach, and open or work for a Chabad House. The fact is, not every bochur does this upon finishing yeshivah.
A lot of girls write on their shidduch profiles, "Looking for someone who can provide financial security."
Well, actually, it is Hashem who provides parnassah, or have we forgotten? Too much galus mentality!
If you don't believe it, ask yourself: Have you ever seen a couple without a home, living on the street? You haven't!
So! Let's loosen up on the parnassah issues, shall we? Hashem provides parnassah!
Ah, but wait: Some might challenge this notion, saying, "But no! We have to make a keli – vessel, don't we! If we want Hashem's brachah for parnassah, we must make a keli!
Well then.... How about working on emunah? Having proper emunah, that's a very important keli for parnassah, as Chassidus explains at length.
* "Modernkeit" Mayhem: Ah, yes; there's the whole "modernkeit" concept.... As mentioned above, we're living in a different world than we used to. Different young people have different hashkafahs, and different levels of Chassidishkeit and all.
Let's face it – it is very difficult to find a bochur and a girl who are compatible on every such issue – even within the Lubavitch world itself.
The setback here is that everybody has these lists: A girl is looking for a bochur who specifically keeps to this minhag and not to that minhag... a bochur is looking for a girl who specifically has this approach to Chassidishkeit or that approach....
It's amazing how in detail things can get here.
"Well, I don't mind a bochur who wears jeans, as long as he wears a hat and jacket."
"Well, I don't mind a girl who wears a shorter-than-usual skirt, as long as she'd wear a sheitel."
"I watch movies and sports at home, but I don't go out to see them, so I want someone who's also like that."
Or, there's the anti-"modernkeit!"
"I'm a meshichist, and I don't go to the Ohel, so I need someone who is also a meshichist, and doesn't go to the Ohel."
"(S)he has to dress strictly like a chassid, no secular anything, etc."
"(S)he has to go to classes – otherwise it's no good...."
Then, whether one is pro or anti-"modernkeit" – there are always a whole lot of other detailed demands on the side.
"I want someone who likes nature... who likes to eat... who likes to shmooze... who is loud... who is quiet....” Etc., etc.
* The "Perception" Factor: It's a harsh world. Imagine if you open a store, but no one comes to buy from you. Are you going to go outside and yell at passerby, why are they not coming into your store?
If no one is buying from you, it goes to show that you need to spruce up your store. Perhaps customers don't have an interest in your produce. Maybe your produce is in demand – but the whole issue is that it's not displayed well.
You go on a shidduch, but your shirt is wrinkled, your skirt is rumbled, your shoes are old (GASP!) Etc., etc.
Whether we agree that this is how it ought to be or not, proper presentation plays a fundamentally significant role when it comes to shidduchim.
* The Heavy Factor: Let's face the fact; it's quite difficult, both for girls and bochurim who are overweight, to get a shidduch these days. But it's not just the skinny/average-weight girls and bochurim who have a problem; it's the parents too.
You see, excess weight leads to health problems. Ask any doctor. And parents don't want this for their kids, to be married to one who's going to have health problems upon reaching middle age – or even beforehand, chas v'shalom.
* Introspection of Imperfection: No one is perfect. And furthermore – if we examine the truth of the matter, we see that everybody has some kind of "baggage." We are living in galus, unfortunately. As such, everybody has gone through problems in life. Problems are a part of life, in the galus.
Okay – you may have the "mainstream" bochur and the "mainstream" girl. It works something like this: The "mainstream" bochur starts out as a diligent cheider yingaleh who gets perfect grades throughout cheider, goes to a good yeshivah, continues to learn diligently, and becomes a talmud chochom. In the summers he works as a camp counselor (needless to say, every "mainstream" bochur is a camp counselor). Then, after yeshivah, he goes on shlichus, then settles down into a prominent machon smichah, and now has it.
Then we have the "mainstream" girl. She goes to Beis Rivkah, gets good grades, and is a "class queen." After finishing high school, she goes to seminary in Israel (every "mainstream" girl goes to seminary in Israel, of course). And then she becomes the dorm counselor. (Becoming the dorm counselor is an absolute chiyuv for a "mainstream" girl.)
So far so good – until the shidduch "process" begins. Turns out:
a) parent was divorced
b) childhood illness
c) imperfect sibling/gene pool
d) had legal system trouble
e) takes medication of some sort
And so on, and so forth.
Bottom line is, no one's "perfect" – and no one's from a "perfect" family....
So we see, with these issues, it can really, indeed be quite a to-do, finding your beshert.
If we think deeply we see that there are two things which can be done about this:
* Make some self-improvements. It never hurts. It always helps!
* Loosen up a little, be more open-minded about going out (or if you're a parent, sending your kid out) with the type who isn't on your "list." Better yet, dispose of that "list." You're most likely better off without it!
The main thing is to always remember: Everybody has someone out there, a soul mate – who's also looking.
So never be discouraged, and keep at it! Bear in mind – not doing anything will most likely not get you anywhere.
Finding your beshert... it's the biggest step in life. The ultimate one. For no one is complete without their beshert.